5 Powerful Timeout Alternatives That Actually Teach Self-Control

When my kids were young, the number one recommendation I received from their pediatrician regarding behavior was, “Give him a time out.” I was told to put my son in another room for the number of minutes he was in years. For example, when my son was four, he would go into a timeout away from me for four minutes. 

I was finding myself putting him into the “four-minute” time-outs 20 times a day, which ended up being way too much time in time out! “But the doctor said!” Ha! 

I could say they were “not working.” 

If you have been given the same advice as I think it is still common, time-outs may have worked in the past or seem to work now, but you’re still having to use this punishment over and over again. 

The problem is that what we mean by saying it “works” is solely focused on compliance and our children doing what we want them to. It doesn’t address how kids’ brains are extremely under construction. Most behavior is an unmet need or a lagging skill. 

Why Timeouts Fail to Teach Real Self-Control

When my son was four, he needed my love and connection, and he was majorly lacking impulsivity and inhibition. None of which the pediatrician mentioned or helped me see that was where the problem lay. Under that lens, there was no need to punish his behaviors. 

Of course, when it appears to work because the child becomes obedient, what we don’t realize is that we may be influencing their belief systems, sense of identity and their developing brain and nervous system. 

The problem is that since time-outs have been the go-to strategy for so long, it leaves parents having no clue what to do! This may be you! 

You just want your child to learn how to calm down, follow directions, and develop a sense of self-control that actually lasts.

You’re not alone. 

So many of the parents I coach come to me at the end of their rope, wondering why their kids aren’t “getting it” when it comes to behavior and emotional outbursts. The reason kids aren’t getting it is that punishments in general, especially time-outs, don’t teach the child any skills. If anything, they’re taught that when they need their caregiver the most, they are sent away to deal with their emotions themselves. That’s what happened for me every time I was sent to a time-out. Instead of learning how to manage my emotions healthily, it only taught me how to bury my emotions until they come spewing out in a very ugly way. And yet, I was doing the same thing to my child. 

Instead of teaching self-regulation, we’re teaching isolation. 

There’s a better way! It starts with shifting from punishment to connection.

Why Timeouts Don’t Work

Timeouts became popular because they seemed like a gentler alternative to spanking. The problem is, while they may reduce behavior in the moment, they don’t address the root cause of the behavior. We need to look beneath the yelling, screaming and disobedience. 

Here’s what happens during a traditional timeout:

• Your child’s nervous system is overwhelmed.
• You send them away to “calm down.”
• They subconsciously feel rejected, ashamed, or confused, especially if they don’t yet have the tools to regulate. Their brain needs safety, but this is hard to do with a loving, caring adult with a regulated nervous system. 
• You hope the behavior won’t happen again, but it usually does.
  

Neuroscience tells us that children learn best through relationships, not isolation. When a child is dysregulated, they need co-regulation, not a corner.

And if you’re raising a child with big emotions, ADHD, autism, or a strong-willed spirit, you probably already know: the more disconnected they feel, the more out-of-control they become.

What Kids Really Need: Connection + Coaching

Let’s reframe the goal. Instead of trying to stop a behavior in the moment, I invite you to build the skills that will reduce that behavior long-term.

That means:

• Regulating with your child
• Naming and validating emotions
• Setting clear, respectful boundaries
• Following up with coaching and problem-solving

This is intentional work that works because it provides a need and teaches a skill. 

This approach to behavior is called connection-based discipline. It’s rooted in nervous system science and backed by what kids need to develop emotional intelligence and impulse control.

What To Do Instead of Timeouts

Here are five powerful, practical tools that teach self-control while strengthening your relationship:

1. Regulate First, Then Together

You can’t teach a child to calm down if you’re not calm yourself. (I say that with love—this is the hardest part for most of us.)

If your child is spiraling, ask yourself: “Can I stay regulated enough to help them get back into their body?”

Try:

• Sitting beside your child quietly, no need for words!
• Offering a hand to hold or gentle humming
• Taking deep breaths together (we call it “hand breathing” in our house)

The goal isn’t to fix the behavior in the moment. It’s to create a sense of safety so the nervous system can settle. Then learning can happen.

2. Create a Regulation Space, Not a Punishment Spot

Instead of a “timeout chair,” try a calm corner, a time-in space, or a regulation station. This isn’t a place where kids are sent. It’s a space they’re invited into with you.

Stock it with sensory tools like:

• A weighted lap pad
• Fidget toys
• Calming music
• A feelings chart that also has coping skills and ideas for those feelings
• Books about emotions
• Yoto player and audiobooks

Then practice using it when everyone is calm, not just when things go south. That way, it becomes a safe, familiar place. It’s no longer about punishment. 

3. Use the “Name It to Tame It” Strategy

This phrase from Dr. Daniel Siegel is pure gold. When you help your child name what they’re feeling, you activate the part of the brain that helps with logic and self-awareness. This works for you, too! 

Say:

• “It looks like your body is feeling really mad.”
• “That was really frustrating, huh?”
• “I wonder if you felt left out when your sister got to go first.”

Parents often think this will condone the behavior, but it does the opposite! You are connecting their behavior to the emotion underneath. That’s the door you want ot open to help them make better choices next time.

4. Practice, Practice, Practice ( Timeout Alternatives)

Most kids don’t learn from lectures. They learn by doing. So instead of giving a consequence, give a chance to practice a better choice.

After your child has calmed down, say:

• “Let’s try that again. Want to practice asking in a kind voice?”
• “Can we rewind and walk back to the car calmly this time?”
• “Want to show me how you’d handle it next time?”

This builds muscle memory for the right response. This is something timeouts don’t do.

5. Build Skills ( Timeout Alternatives)

Every behavior is a form of communication. Your child isn’t giving you a hard time; they’re having a hard time.

After a moment of challenging behavior, when you are regulated and so is your child, ask yourself:

• What skills does my child not have yet?
• Were there any unmet needs, like hungry, tired, needing connection? 
• What can we do next time?

Then, teach that skill! Here are some examples: 

• Asking for help instead of yelling
• Taking deep breaths when overwhelmed
• Using words to set a boundary

Or, as I used a few hours before writing this, an alphabet movement chart. My son had to do the exercises listed for all the letters in his name to help him calm and regulate. 

You can even create a simple visual like a “Feelings + Choices” chart that shows common triggers and what to do instead.

What About Consequences? ( Timeout Alternatives)

Boundaries are still important. But consequences don’t need to be punitive. In fact, punishment typically makes the behavior worse. 

Instead of, “You hit your brother, so no iPad!” Try, “You hit your brother. Let’s help him feel safe again. What can you do to repair?”

That might mean:

• Saying sorry
• Getting an ice pack
• Playing kindly later

This helps your child take responsibility and make amends, which are both skills they’ll need for life. 

Parenting Is A Long Game

If your goal is to raise a child who can self-regulate, express emotions, and take ownership of their actions, then timeouts won’t get you there.

But you will.

When you shift from punishment to connection, from isolation to coaching, your child doesn’t just learn better behavior; they feel seen, safe, and capable. It took me a while to get there, but once I did and was able to show up this way for my second and third sons, parenting felt so much easier and joyful. 

You don’t have to be a perfect parent to raise emotionally healthy kids. You just have to be a present one.

Struggling to Stay Calm Yourself?

Regulating your own emotions is the hardest part of parenting, especially when your child is melting down or pushing every button. You have a fully developed brain (or hopefully it’s close), but your child has a very underdeveloped brain and nervous system. 

If you’re finding it tough to stay grounded in the moment, I created something just for you: the Calm Mom Toolkit.

It’s packed with simple, science-backed strategies to help you reset your nervous system, reconnect with your values, and respond (instead of react) when things get heated.

You can print it, post it, or pull it up on your phone when you need a quick breath and a reminder that you’ve got this.

About the Author

Adriane Thompson is a certified parent coach and founder of Raising Kids With Purpose, where she helps parents of big-feeling kids respond with confidence, connection, and brain-based tools. Through coaching, workshops, and her signature P.U.R.P.O.S.E. Parent Transformation Program, she equips parents to move from reactive to responsive and raise kids who are kind, confident, and emotionally strong.

Learn more at raisingkidswithpurpose.com
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